I’m standing in front of a wall of eight large industrial dryers. I’m trying to figure out how often my Bounce softener sheet makes contact with my black shirt, which by the way, has now spun in a complete circle over 48 times. Yet again HE leaves the laundromat door wide open. I begin to shiver in the cool night air, close the door AGAIN, and try to start counting – but it’s no use. It’s late, I’m cold, and I want to go home. I place my hands on the dryer door, it warms them quite nicely, and I give myself a pep talk. Your new dryer will arrive tomorrow…you’ve got just seven more minutes and then you’ll never have to visit the Wash N’ Fold Laundromat again. Just keep counting.

HE has a full head of silver white hair and has been folding towels since I arrived. HE is the slowest towel folder I have every witnessed. He has carried three piles of white bath towels to his car – leaving the door open each time, which I then close. I’m fascinated and annoyed, why does a man need over 20 white bath towels, and why doesn’t HE close the door?

His long mustache and beard are also silver white. He wears very tight bleached blue jeans and has tucked the hems into his worn brown boots. His black fleece jacket is tucked into his waist, which is hugged by a wide brown belt with a large square silver buckle. He looks like Cowboy Santa. I can see his reflection in the dryer door. Our eyes lock and HE says:

CS: Doing laundry is a hurtful job.

Me: What do you mean hurtful?

He looks up and down at the row of washing machines and doesn’t answer right away…he must be folding his thoughts together.

Finally he says… (more…)

Did you know that Bhutan is the only country in the world which puts happiness at the heart of government policy? I didn’t. In April the BBC offered a six-part television series called, “The Science of Happiness” exploring such topics as the definition of happiness and the role money, science, health, technology, and politics play in relation to it. The show’s website offers fascinating videos highlighting interviews with cutting edge researchers and is definitely worth a look.

Learn more about the field of Positive Psychology at UPenn and Dr. Martin Seligman’s Positive Psychology Center’s website.

Now more about Bhutan…below is a modified summary from the BBC web site. I recommend reading more about Bhutan’s remarkable history. (more…)

Tonight in class we reviewed Dr. Martin Seligman’s Disputation Model. Disputation involves challenging negative thoughts and analyzing whether you need to be as negative, playing to your strengths and counting your blessings for the things that go well in your life. I had mentioned this before in Reflections While Walking #1 when Juliet and I were brainstorming ways to increase optimism. Boy, do I wish I was taught this model in grade school – who and where would I be now?

Here’s a more detailed explanation of the Disputation Model*
Adversity = The event that occurred.
Belief = How you interpret the event?
Consequence= How you felt. What emotions came up?
Disputation= Is what you are saying true? (Imagine, what would you say to a friend.)

Questions to ask in Disputation phase:
• Evidence: What evidence do you have for this belief? Search for the evidence that points to the distortions in your catastrophic explanations. Do a reality check.
• Alternatives: What other possible causes might there be for this belief? Almost nothing that happens to you has just one cause; most events have many causes. Look for multiple causes. Scan for all possible contributing causes and focus on those that are changeable, specific, and non-personal. Generate alternative beliefs and possibilities. Is there a less destructive way to look at this situation?
• Implications: Even is the belief is true, say to yourself, what are the implications? How likely is the worst-case scenario? Repeat search for evidence.
• Usefulness: How is this belief serving me? What good does it do me to dwell on this belief? How can I change the situation in the future?

Energization: How do you feel after disputing?

I’d like to hear back from folks who took the A-E Disputation model for a swirl. I’ll keep you updated.

* Adapted from Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, p. 95-97.

On Monday night I walked through the front door of an apartment and had no idea what was waiting on the other side. I was a bit nervous. I wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen and I just barely knew one person in the room. Would we get along? Would I feel comfortable? What would we do? The email from Maja – a woman I had only met briefly but liked instantly – read: (more…)

My walking buddy, Juliet, is one of the most generous, kind, and loving women in my life. Over the last few months we’ve enjoyed many a “walk-n-talk” and I have come to cherish our time together. She calls me “big sis” and it warms my heart.

This weekend after walking up a VERY steep hill (good for us!) we were brainstorming ways to stop negative and pessimistic thoughts. We all battle the voice of our inner critic and listen to countless loop tapes that do more harm than good. (I don’t know about you but I’m eager to get rid of those tapes and I don’t want to upgrade to CDs.)

Aside from yelling ‘Stop!’ out loud, what other techniques can we use to recognize thoughts that are not healthy? How can we practice being more loving and optimistic?

In Martin Seligman’s book, “Authentic Happiness” he dedicates Chapter Six to “Increasing Optimism and Hope” and offers a method for building optimism that consists of recognizing and then disputing pessimistic thoughts. He writes, “The key to disputing your own pessimistic thoughts is to first recognize them and then to treat them as if they were uttered by an external person, a rival whose mission in life was to make you miserable.”

Juliet knew a variation of his method and I’ve been practicing it with positive results.

Once you recognize a pessimistic thought that seems unwarranted start a conversation with yourself moving through Steps A to E:

1. A = Activating event — Ask yourself: What set you off, why are you being pessimistic?
2. B = Beliefs — Ask: What does the situation or event lead you to believe? These are the beliefs you automatically have when pessimistic thoughts occur.
3. C = Consequence — What are the usual consequences of the belief. What do you do in response?
4. D = Dispute — Action: talk back to the routine belief.
5. E = Evidence — is there any evidence that your beliefs are actually true?

If you want to experience a shift in your life I recommend keeping a Gratitude Journal. Each night before I go to bed I write down three things that happened that day that I am grateful about. It’s a powerful reminder of the postive and happy experiences in my life. There is so much to be thankful for.

How do you acknowledge all the good things in your life?

In his book, “Easier Than You Think …Because Life Doesn’t Have to be so Hard…The Small Changes That Add Up to a World of Difference” Mr. Richard Carlson offers the reader…one long-ass title. Indeed, he also shares some lovely reminders to help make life easier.

I was stirred and printed his reminders on address labels but I didn’t know what I was going to do with them…I thought I might make a mobile…the labels also reminded me of bricks.

It was my boyfriend who truly inspired the brick house when he said, “I know you feel like you are standing next to a tall brick wall and want to pull out one brick to see the other side, to see what you should do next with your life. Why not change things around and instead imagine you have a pile of bricks, there’s nothing on the other side yet, and you need to build something with the bricks, one brick at a time. The bricks are your experiences and strengths…even your mistakes can be bricks.” Talk about an AHA! Moment.

The brick house is displayed on the wall next to my computer monitor. It inspires me everyday and so does he.

When someone asks, “What do you do?” I’d like my answer to be, “I work at learning how to be good to myself and other people, and to support myself, I cut hair.”

When I read this quote I started to cry. You see, that’s me. “I work at learning how to be good to myself and other people, and to support myself, I’m an administrator.” The answer to this question reminds the listener, “I am not my job.” My tears were tears of joy.

I’ve always felt defective because I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I have a loving boyfriend, a beautiful family, loyal and interesting friends, tons of curiosity, high energy, and creativity. But I wasn’t seeing all that I should be grateful for…I was focusing primarily on what was “missing”.

One day I woke up and realized I had to make a change. It was scary to leave a stable job, and not everyone agreed with my decision, but I realized that I couldn’t be my true self at the current position and that my unhappiness was affecting every aspect of my life.

Taking a few months off from the “work-world-merry-go-round” to reawaken has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself. Over the last few months I have realized that my desire to “find my calling” has been a dark cloud over my life, leaving me unfulfilled and keeping me from living in the present moment. Five years ago Jenara, a sister-friend and wise-beyond-her-years, pointed out, “The sun is always shining even if there are dark clouds in the sky.” I now truly understand her statement and thank her from the bottom of my heart.

I have accepted that my purpose – my rays of light – my “true” work, is to learn to celebrate my existence here on Earth, to love others and myself fully and to be as happy as I can be. Every day I contribute to others in small ways, perhaps I connect someone to a new resource, introduce one friend to another, crack a joke, smile, deeply listen, or give directions…I recognize these contributions as acts of love.

I understand that I will spend at least ½ of my waking life at work…it makes sense that I bring my “true” work with me between the hours of 9am to 5pm…to incorporate acts of love on a daily basis…come rain or shine.

“If any food seems inherently calming, and even consoling, it is soup…
It restores our spirit and our vigor.”
– The Joy of Cooking

Dear Reader:

This soup recipe was not passed down from generations. In fact, each person creates his or her signature Swirl Soup recipe. Improvisations, creativity, intuition, love and, most of all, passion, inspire the recipes. And like most recipes, too much of one ingredient may enhance the texture causing a bitter flavor while other ingredients sweeten the pot.

My blog is about what sweetens the pot.

Ally’s Swirl Soup Recipe – June 11, 2006, 9:45pm
Like yours, my recipe varies from year to year, day-to-day, and even minute-to-minute. But each soup is always robust, aromatic and a classic (with or without matzo balls).

Combine in a large soup pot:

• The swirling thoughts of a thirty-six year old woman who just stepped off the “work-world-merry-go-round.”
• A few cups of good stock.

Very slowly bring to a simmer without boiling, occasionally stirring and scraping the bottom of the pot to prevent burning.

• Slowly whisk in her desire to live an authentic and happier life.
• Stir in luxurious naps, long conversations with good friends, visits to museums, good movies, library books with interesting topics, and then add more naps.

• Add a measure of narrative therapy and a heaping tablespoon of journaling.

Skim the impurities from the surface.

• Add a sizable portion of daily walks and informational interviews.
• Mix thoroughly with visits to the beach and other beautiful places that sing to her soul. Puree until smooth and capture in a gratitude journal.
• Gently blend opportunities to enhance strengths and optimism.

Bring to a boil with the love of her kind and supportive boyfriend, family and friends, and then slow cook to allow natural talents to caramelize; this gives the soup its characteristic depth of flavor and rich colors.

Serve hot or cold, garnished with:

1. A finely chopped sense of humor.
2. Zest from an open and loving heart.
3. Dollop of tears or sour cream.
4. Fresh sprigs of laughter.
5. Hopes and dreams to taste.

Vary the ingredients, as desired.
Adjust the seasonings, ladle with care.
Swirl and serve.

p.s. What does your recipe look like?

I first heard about “going steady” on an episode of the Brady Bunch. I’ll never forget it. Marcia comes home from school and Alice asks her if she wants a glass of milk. But Marcia doesn’t hear anything because she’s so busy daydreaming…about a boy! A boy who doesn’t even know she exists.

As you may recall, the boy turns out to be the nerdy insect collector, Harvey Klinger. Marcia checks out a bunch of library books and catches Harvey in her web of insect facts. Harvey is totally smitten. I could tell because he said, “Gee, Marcia, you really know your bugs.”

I wanted a steady boyfriend like Marcia so I headed to the library to find me some bug books. But that afternoon something else happened.

Librarian: Oh, you want to see books on entomology.
Me: Um, no, just bugs please.
Librarian smiles and says: Entomology is the study of insects. I’ll show you where to go.

As we scan the shelf the nice librarian removes a large blue book and tucks it under her arm. She tells me it’s in the wrong place. I look at the blue cover and see the word “Epistolary” for the first time.

Me: What’s epist…episto…?
Helpful Librarian (she sounds out the word for me, E·pis·to·lar·y): An epistolary novel is a story told through a series of letters.
Me: I like to write letters! We have pen pals in Mrs. Schultze’s class. She’s my 4th grade teacher. I’m in the 4th grade. I like to write.

I didn’t see one picture of a bug that day. Instead I spent the next hour reading collections of letters. And when my eyes got tired I looked around at all the books and wondered, “Who wrote all these books? What else is in this place?”

That day I started “going steady”…with the library.

This March I decided to take a few months off to rest, reflect, and reconnect with what is truly important to me.

What’s on my library card this week?

1. Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman
2. Finding Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
3. Why Aren’t You Your Own Boss by Paul and Sarah Edwards
4. Cave in the Snow by Vicki Mackenzie
5. Thousand Days in Tuscany : A Bittersweet Adventure by Marlena De Blasi.
6. Bachelor Brothers’ Bed and Breakfast by Bill Richardson